很久沒來這裡逛了 以前來都是寫自己的心情和情緒 今天也不例外

越來越覺得自己很沒用了 為什麼我老是決定做好一件事情 然後永遠做不好呢

我當然沒有資格去怪天怪地怪風水什麼的 自己的性格自己知道 明明是麻雀卻扮鳳凰的人是我自己很清楚 麻雀也就罷了 偏偏是隻不知天高地厚又意志薄弱的麻雀 我有夠麻煩的

我很想努力做好一切 嘴巴漂亮的說著 行動永遠是三分鐘熱度 馬馬虎虎就算了 然後花兩倍行動的時間去後悔 為什麼我老是像個長不大的孩子？

我不想馬馬虎虎的做人 不想到了七八十再後悔年輕的時候什麼都沒有做

當然有人會說一直認真做人很累 但是我討厭這樣的自己 真的很想去改變自己去認真做事 不想再後悔在有時間的時候沒有好好的去把握

希望下次寫的 會是我成功脫胎換骨的故事

bold = newly updated

Dorama:
Rookie!! [4]
ヤンキー母校に帰る [3]
二千年の恋 [3]
人間・失格 [7]
夜王～YAOH～ [3]
終極一家 [48]
西遊記 [2]
HERO [1]
君といた未來のためにーI`ll be backー [1]
CHANGE [1]
絶対彼氏 [4]
おせん [5]
ラスト・フレンズ [6]
３３分探偵 [4]
Love and Peace [2]
齊天大聖孫悟空 [10]
流星の絆  [4]
Scrap Teacher [1]
Room of King [1]
必殺仕事人２００９ [1]
Voice [6]
Q.E.D. [1]
SMILE [1]
BOSS [1]
Buzzer Beat [2]
魔女裁判  [2]
オルトロスの犬 [2]
ROMES [1]
Tokyo DOGS [1]
My Girl [1]
LIAR GAME 2 [1]
Untouchable [1]
Samurai High School [1]

Movie:
HERO
Memories of Tomorrow
ROUGH
しゃべれども　しゃべれども
ただ、君を愛してる  
天使の卵
天国は待ってくれる
手紙
武士の一分
涙そうそう
硫黄島からの手紙
空中庭園
花よりもなほ
西遊記
隣人13号
黄色い涙 - より道のススメ -
Negative Happy Chainsaw Edge
KIDS
陰日向に咲く
Heat Island
リボルバー：青い春
同じ月を見ている
クワイエットルームにようこそ
PRAY
All About Lily Chou Chou
SABU
舞妓Haaaan!!!
SCRAP HEAVEN
Robokon
Virgin Snow
Seoul
レモンのころ
Last Present
ROOKIES
どろろ２
SP
クロサギ
Sushi Ouji
Yatta-Man
Galileo

Manga:
X [20]
One Piece [39] - 553
ナルト [32] - 458
鋼の錬金術師 [12] - 98
Death Note [9] - 96
Bleach [21] - 226
NANA [14] - 85
Legal Drug [4]
xxxHolic [12]
最遊記 Reload [8]
絶対彼氏 [3]
Shaman King [3]
ふしぎ遊戲玄武開伝 [3]
最遊記外伝 [2]
ツバサ-RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE [4] - 25
銀魂 [1]
犬夜叉 [3]
オリオンの少年 [1]
ヴァンパイア騎士 [5] - 28
D. Gray-man [1]
Blood+ [1]
Angelic Layer [1]
家庭教師ヒットマンREBORN! [1]
R2 [1]

Anime:
ヴァンパイア騎士 [8]
桜蘭高校ホスト部 [13]
コードギアス 反逆のルルーシュ [4]
D. Gray-Man [6]

BUZZER BEAT

我說仔仔 你還真的是只有賣肌肉行的 （在中居老頭的那個節目明明丟大臉的 居然在打籃球的環節沒中！砸自己的招牌嘛！）

還有什麼那句胸比女朋友還大？？某豬居然還答：“沒比過，不知道。”

還有我們RIZE家的アニ！！我好懷念你幽雅打鼓的樣子喔！好陰森的情敵喔！！應該是滿讓人討厭的角色。

仔仔 我還是對不起你 對你那豬手豬腳沒興趣 還是我們家的アニ長手長腳的好萌喔！！！（被群毆~~）

還是不喜歡那個相武某某的~~~還給我仔仔戴綠帽子？？！！找死！！（某女瘋了。。。我是應該看不慣她居然溝上了アニ）

北川景子沒有想像中漂亮~~不過仔仔後來是應該會跟她在一起的

オルトロスの犬

我滿喜歡的題材 可是總覺得差了點什麼

タッキ和亮ちゃん演的OK 習慣看タッキ做大眾情人這次看做心理有障礙的人真的覺得沒說服力 小亮的角色也太單純了吧？ 有那麼白癡的人嗎？

水川あさみ演的女警也不適合 有點多餘的感覺

反正整體來說應該會是很有趣刺激的 不過感覺普通

華麗なるスパイ

我是長瀨BABY控 尤其是他演的無里頭笑話片是最合心意不過了 雖然很誇張 橋段也沒新意（拜託 我是看周星馳長大的好不好） 不過就是難得看這種不用花太多精神的！

恭子MM還是沒什麼演技可言 不過角色倒是挺有趣的 分明是個變性人嘛！！倒是那個三九的很麻煩 憑什麼查人家的私隱！！

BABY那個角色的老爸到底是誰呢？好想知道喔！！

TOKIO裡哪個也來客串吧！！要不我們家堂本兩個也行！（貪心的某女）

Finally....relieved *phew*~~

My mother agreed to lend me some money so right now I'm good for the semester (with $20 left in my account and I still haven't gotten all my books yet)

Stil haven't gotten the promissory note from the private loan yet...but somehow today they agree to fax it to me (WHY COULDN'T THEY DO IT EARLIER?)

But it's going to be after the 14th, which is after the tuition is due.

在沒有其他辦法之下, I asked my mom for the money *sigh*

And I just got the promissory note right after I paid the tuition with my parents' money (難道是天意？？)

Anywho, I'm slightly happier now.  (Waiting for my mom to bitch at the money later)

堂本剛ニューシングル「RAIN」が9月9日に発売決定しました！！！

孩子，乖乖，寶貝，大人，你終於肯給我當回“堂本剛”了呀！！！ （雖然我也很愛你其他的solo project的）

不過，還真是我們家的孩子呢~~幹嘛要選我生日前一天？？你是慫恿我去買呢還是嘲笑我沒錢買？？？

（孩子你愛幹什麼就幹什麼吧！！別理這個窮女~~）


嵐の相葉雅紀が10月スタートのテレ朝系連続ドラマ「マイガール」(金曜23:15）に主演することが発表されました。

貌似漫畫改編的？（沒辦法，我們家的嵐就是長的像漫畫裡的美少年啊！！ ←請不要理胡言亂語的某人）

ま~ま~是時候輪到我們家的天才笨小葉了 （連リーダー都被拖出去了~~~） 說起來相葉ちゃん這傢伙，我記得的看過的只有ぼくらの勇気和ムコ殿（都是很久以前的啦）

可是，可是，可是，為什麼？為什麼呢？？


為什麼別人都可以演快樂高中生 （見山田太郎ものがたり和花より男子。。。雖然是前兩年的事情了） 相葉ちゃん為什麼連漂亮女朋友都撈不到，反而當起了papa呢？（話說回來，你這傢伙像個papa嗎？）

My mom finally said it.

Although she never said the words, "it's your fault", but it's obvious that she meant it that way.

When we talked about about my loan hasn't come yet, and I told her that I'm really frustrated that it's not here yet. She said something like, "You're frustrated? You're the one that screwed everything up. You made your dad came home just for that. And he got into the accident because of that." As if everyone trying desperately to help me, even getting into a car accident, and I'm only blaming everyone else if things didn't go right.

Yeah call me crazy. Maybe she doesn't mean it that way. Even if she is, I can't just push off the responsibility like that. Yes it's my fault that dad came home. Yes if he hadn't come home we wouldn't get into that car accident. Who am I to blame but myself anyways?

It just hurts to hear that from her. It just hurts to hear her to say that I should let her know if I need help because she would help me, and then back stab me like that. It just hurts to hear that she sounded like as if she only cared if dad got hurt in the accident.

This is why...I don't even bother talking back to her to explain myself. If she cared about what I'm feeling, she wouldn't have said things like this in the first place, so why would it change anything if I defend myself and say that I'm sorry?


And no, I don't need you to write back and say pretty sympathetic things...I just want someone to know that I'm not as selfish as everyone thinks I am, that I'm the one who's most sorry about the accident, and finally, I never meant to hurt anyone in the first place.

My dad took a break from taking care of my just discharged mom from the hospital and came home to check on us.

It turned out to be a terrible decision.



I finally managed to find a student loan company that would take my dad as the cosigner.  The problem is, when I tried to e-sign for him, there were questions that asked for his past credit and one about something in October 2007, my dad insisted that no such thing happened.  *sigh*  It is useless talking to my dad and getting yelled at because chances are, 20 minutes later, he's going to have this "Oh yeah" moment and guess who's already been pissed trying to reason with him?  Don't even get me started.

When I tried to follow the instructions and called the toll-free number about I "failed" the e-sign process, they insisted that they need to verify the cosigner over the thing.  But here is the catch: My dad speaks ZERO English.  And they told me no when I asked them to either interpret for my dad or get an interpreter.   THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? There is NO WAY you can get my dad to speak on the phone without someone there to interpret for him.  So my dad thought of coming home and visiting a local branch would work.

It turned out that it is really strange the way they do it.

The way I thought it would happen is that seeing my dad's actual physical presence would be the best way to verity himself.  We would get the application signed right there at the branch so I don't have to worry about anything else.

The thing I understood from our chaotic conversation between the representative from the branch and whoever the dumbass is from the student loan department is that since they are a "different" facility, visiting a local branch will not help anything.  They did promise me that since they HAVE NO WAY TO VERIFY THE COSIGNER (How many times do I have to tell the person over the phone that HE IS RIGHT HERE SITTING NEXT TO ME?), on the borrower's (myself) behalf, they are willing to mail it out.  And they sound like they're doing me this HUGE favor already.

Great. Absolutely great.  So my dad wasted the $50 bus ticket for nothing huh?  What is a better way to verify a person other than seeing it with their own eyes?  When I ask if there is a place that we can "physically" visit and verify the cosigner that way.  The answer is NO since everything is conducted on the internet.  When I ask why I couldn't print the paper application myself.  The answer is that this is just their policy that once I submitted the application and get approved, I can't view the application as a borrower, and the cosigner can't view it until his identity is verified.

Personally, I've never seen a more INEFFICIENT method of getting things done.  Don't really understand why I need my cosigner's permission to merely print out the application.  Don't really understand why I can't even view my application.  Isn't it my application after all?

And sometime between that my dad started out the whole talk about going to a school near home again.  He said it all prettily at first, saying that they can take care of me easier that way, and if I want to come home he would come pick me up whenever I want.  Then the real intention came: You can help out at home.  I can start a Chinese restaurant here and you can help out during the weekends.  Then you won't have to worry about tuition again.  You know your brother is useless.

Wow.  That sounds wonderful, dad!  I'm risking my future being on two things: either the business is going well and that eventually he would put me off school to work because apparently, I CAN MAKE MORE MONEY THIS WAY, or that business will be crappy and that I'm back to where I'm started?  And yeah, because the "not-so-useless" one, who's going to be the one that he takes it out when things are not going well? Me. 

And does he realize that I only have two years left in my undergraduate career?  Yes, going to an in-state college would be cheaper, but what if all my credits didn't get approved and transferred?  I probably had to stay for another year and it would probably cost more.  And the bottom line is, I'm not as dependent as my dad thinks I am.  I am capable of taking care of myself and I like living by myself.  And quite frankly, I like living at my school and the area around it.  I really hate how back home during the summer, I feel like the sun can literally pierce through my skin and that IT ACTUALLY DOESN'T SNOW!! If my parents need me, I'm willing to find a place here for them.  But I'm not going to bet on my future based on some fantasy that my dad's having without actually planning.

...Let me get back to the day...

And this is only the premonition for something far worse.

I got into my first ever car accident in my life today. 

I know I sound way too cheerful to put this in words, but honestly, other than the part that it is annoying as hell to go through the insurance company and all, I found the whole situation quite amusing.

What happened was that we were stopping for a red light and there were a line of cars in front of us.  When we came to a stop, the person behind us was either following too closely or that he didn't hit the brake fast enough, so he smashed right into us.   Thank god no one was hurt, but I think the other party's vehicle is pretty badly crashed, since smoke was coming out from the driver's seat and it wouldn't stop honking...After a few hours, both my dad and I felt muscle pains for our necks and back.  Probably from flying out of our seat because of the collision then slamming back into the seat.

Our car? The bumper was the one that was hit right on, as the other party's license plate literally was planted on top of it.  And I do apologize if I'm using the wrong terminology as I know nothing about cars.  As a result of this collision, the rear door was dented and there were cracks near both sides of the taillights.  That is as far as I know about cars that I would notice.

Going through the insurance company was such a pain in the ass.  When I called my dad's insurance company, they said that we have two options: to either pay the deductible right the way and getting it back from the other party later, or that we can contact the insurance company from the other party directly about this incident, if we believe that the other party is at fault.  I thought we had come to a decision by that and that later tonight I was contacted by the insurance company again about what do we want to do about this.  And she repeated herself five times if I want to claim number or her number.  Seriously, I'm done with talking to stupid people over the phone ALREADY!!

The whole thing about inspection is annoying too, because my dad has to go back to take care of my mom. *sigh*



I just wish that my dad hadn't come home at all.  In a way, I can't help but to think that if he never came home to offer to sign the loan application with me, nothing would ever happen.

Right now I only have two wishes: The insurance company, and I don't care which one it is, would pay full coverage of the damages; and secondly, I just wish that I can get the loan money for school in time.  *prays*

活到現在的我 才明白自己有多麼的渺小

我知道 最近都沒什麼好消息來報道 不是說媽的事就是在抱怨一直被老天在玩 為什麼我單單一個想出人頭地的希望都實現不了呢？ 也許有很多很多人比我更有資格去談什麼追求夢想的事 有很多很多的人比我更努力的去追求自己想要的東西 其實說起來 我最起碼是個健全的人 能夠在下一分鐘呼吸我已經算是幸福萬分了 我憑什麼抱怨這個被賜予的生命呢

我這個多年來用來安慰自己的藉口 好像越來越不使用了

人類 為什麼是那麼的醜陋呢 永遠都是貪得無厭的 為了一己之願 可以為了目的而不擇手段 就算我現在拼命的說服自己 以為這個是我作為一個人該有的道義 學成以後可以服務社區 不算是自私的意願 但是現在的我懂了 我跟其他人有何區別呢 還不是一個追求自己喜歡而不顧一切的人罷了

路現在有兩條 第一就是硬著頭皮撐下去 到死都不要後悔 第二就是放棄 甘心做命運的奴隸

當然 憑我這種自負的性格 是絕對不可能認輸的 只有一口氣在我都不會放棄的 規則只有一個 就是別拿我身邊的人當我的代罪羔羊

謝謝媽媽 雖然我還是不贊同你的做法 但是你的關心我收到了 原諒我過去常常跟你發脾氣 也請你以後能夠包容我自私的想法 我知道我不是全對的 我也知道你一直都是一個人走來 但請允許我犯錯 跌到後再自己爬起來 我雖然愛哭 但是我想靠自己的努力 也許 我比你的想像中要獨立和堅強

Just ranting...

I just found out that even if I give up all the money in my bank account and my wallet, I might not have enough money for books...

I just found out that my dad, coming up with some ridiculous excuse such as his credit will be bad if I keep using it, is basically refusing to cosign my college loan, while I need at least $10,000 private loans, and I can't get that approved unless he cosigns it.  But of course, my frustration doesn't end there...NJ Class Loan wouldn't take him because apparently he didn't meet the minimum wage requirement <--of course that's my dad's excuse of me ruining his credit because using his word, "I pay the rent and the car.  Why don't I have enough for your college loans?  You must have screwed up somewhere."

As usual, the random babbling of life that has happened in the last few weeks.

My mom finally had her surgery.  She got three holes punched in the left side of her waist.  On the day of the surgery, I had to sit around for at least 5 hours, being anxious about the results.  I felt that I couldn't even dare to breathe for a few moments, as if each breath I took would take a breath away from her.  But thank god both the surgery and the recovery went pretty well.  The pathology result came back as benign.  My mom, being anxious as she is, wants to have the next surgery as soon as possible.  So the next surgery date is scheduled for the 17th.

As for me, I've had a few awkward experiences seeing the gastroenterologist and the gynecologist.  To make the story short and less provocative, I've had a colonoscopy and endoscopy done for my chronic stomach pain and found out that I've got bacteria in my stomach and I have to take a type of antiobiotcs called PREVPAC for two weeks, and of course my first ever gynecologist visit was awkward as hell.

I've also visited Trenton for a few days.

I've watched a few movies while in New York: Up (the story was cute but the 3D sucked...), Angels and Demons (not quite what I've been expecting), and Night of the Museum 2 (it was really funny except the storyline sucked).  I'm still waiting to see Transformers, Dance Flick, Harry Potter, and Ice Age 2.

I will be home until my mom's next surgery date, which means I'll have internet for two weeks or so.

I've been with a lot of things lately...

First of all, I finished this semester with a 3.165 as my GPA.  Although it didn't change my overall GPA that much, I figured if I didn't have 30+ hours of Orgo studying and lack of attendance in clubs, my GPA would have been much worse.  I think I'm still trying to convince myself that I can't have good grades and a wonderful social life at the same time.  I thought of running for board members and positions next year, but decided not to because I figured my chemistry courses are only going to get harder and with research going on next year, I would be lucky if I get to attend clubs at all.  Yeah it might be just an excuse because many people handle and organize their lives very well, but unfornately I know I'm not one of those.  Too many things have happened so far and I don't want to be half-assed in anything: I'd rather give something up in order to finish really well in the other.

With my mom's situation, I don't know if I elaborate it with any of you at all.  The general idea is that she's been scheduled for a surgery a few times already and every time, something happens and that it had to be pushed back (And trust me, they canceled the surgery two days before it and gave us NO REASON at all).  We're just really frustrated now because the one for the adrenal gland has to be done before the other two (Yes, she has to have THREE surgeries total) and the urology surgeon keeps pushing the dates back, causing us to cancel the other appointments due to this one.  So after like 3 months of LONG waiting, they finally rescheduled us for the 12th.  Let's hope that they won't cancel it the last second again.

My mom was kinda pissed that I stayed with her in order to help her out because I would've applied for MUSE and work on campus for the summer.  Of course I was dumb to give that all up for something that we were not even sure WHEN it would happen at that time, but I really just wanted to stay by herself.  And my dad is obviously INCAPABLE of NOT FIGHTING with her, how could I give my mom in the hands of my dad or the irresponsible doctors?  I thought by staying with her that she would at least feel calmer,  but of course I was wrong.  I honestly don't know how to make my mom happy anymore.  I always do things that I thought she would like but it always turned out to be a pathetic decision.

Of course, seeing me sitting around everyday doing absolutely nothing, gives her more excuse to call me lazy and tell me to find a job.  And I still need $15,000 for school.  Someone find me a job already.

The relationship's been going okay I guess.  I know I've been grumpy because of my mom's situation and such.  I just want him to talk to me more and don't sound like he's being forced to talk to me.  Yes, he said that I can call and talk to him whenever I want.  But I absolutely abhor it when I needed him the most and he, for a stupid reason like leaving his phone upstairs, did not pick it up.  Or that I want to hear some comforting and cheering words and he was quiet.  Or that he said he's going to call me but he never does.  I keep thinking that these are just differences in our personalities and I can't change the fact that he just doesn't talk much and he's forgetful.  Maybe if I keep an open mind and try to consider things from his point of view, for example, he was busy with work that he forgot to call me, that we won't have these silly fights.

But I don't understand.  I don't understand why I'm the only one making all these changes.  I don't even know why if he knows and cares that I'm doing all these for him.  Aren't we supposed to compromise for our differences?  What if he doesn't think of it the way I do and don't think change to be the way I want?  (And trust me, when I ask, he honestly doesn't think that these are problems and think that I worry too much)

May I rely on him too much for my happiness and get upset when he can't fulfill what I want.  Maybe I should go pursue my own happiness without him.  But I'm also worried that the moment I let it go, he's not going to hold on to it and we're just going to fall apart.

Maybe we just need a break from each other.

這年發生的一切 想起來我都覺得過得很不容易 覺得自己迷失了很多次 到了現在我都不知道現在這個我是否當初發誓要堅持原則的我

以前的我比較灑脫吧 兩袖清風的 自覺獨來獨往、不問世事 
現在的我 大概比以前懂得去珍惜身邊的東西吧

一直都有自知之明 知道自己又自大又頑固的脾氣 “孝順”這兩個字根本和我相隔甚遠 雖然很想父母長輩幸福 但是要我為了所謂的好孩子規矩而盲目服從父母的命令的話我是絕對不會去做的 我做到的最多只有孝而不順

跟爸一直關係普通 我的任性脾氣是和他一個樣的 不講道理的時候的爸只會一昧的把欲加之罪怪到我身上 我常常會感到委屈和侮辱到幾天不想跟他說話 但是我心理明白 爸是很疼我們孩子的 我們喜歡什麼爸無論多貴都不會拒絕

對媽的感覺一直是個典型師奶 壓力很大 什麼是都一個人撐著 可是對我這種人來說 我寧願媽能夠聽尊重我的意願和包容我 也許我跟爸一樣不生性 但是我討厭被人宰割的感受 總覺得無論怎樣努力還是達不到媽的標準 而且憑什麼說我的標準比我媽的差了？ 有時候覺得自己生活在媽的影子下連呼吸都覺得困難

最近

忽然間 覺得爸媽老了
忽然間 覺得自己責任重大

看見媽蒼老了許多的臉 我跟我自己發誓說不要做出會讓自己後悔一輩子的事 媽這次病成這樣我真的感到措手不及愛莫能助 本來不善詞語的我 只能默默的陪著媽 握著她的手守候在身旁 也許我是在逃避 但是寧願生病的人是我 想著最起碼沒有這種做什麼都幫不了的感覺吧

但是內心深處的我 卻一直想著把這個壓力甩開 恢復當初我自由身

原諒我這一生不羈放縱愛自由
那會怕有一天會跌倒
背棄了理想
誰人都可以
那會怕有一天只你和我

老天爺 拜託您不要再作弄我了 您要是對我嚮往自由嫉妒的話就罰我一個好了 不要殃及池魚的加在爸媽身上

1. My mother's been in and out of the hospital and I still don't know when she's going to have the surgery.  The last time, when she's only in there for a biopsy, almost caused me my consciousness.  My dad called me while I was "supposed to be in class" (I had a huge headache so I skipped that day) so I didn't pick it up ...then he wouldn't stop calling me so I finally picked up the phone.  All I got was like, "WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?!!!", and when I replied that I was "in class" (the thing is...if I told my dad I didn't have class, chances are, he will call me every Thursday nights from now on when I should have class), all I got back was, "SO WHAT? SHOULD'VE PICKED UP ANYWAYS!! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN CLASS AT TIMES LIKE THIS!!" <--Don't even comment on that...my dad is just a jerk like that...Somewhere when I was trying to put up with my dad's jerkiness, I finally figured out that my mom was supposed to be in the surgery room at 4pm and be out in half an hour.  My dad got there at 6:30pm and couldn't find my mom in there.  I tried to calm my dad down and get as much info as I could, such as, where was the surgery room, what was the surgery for (hell, don't blame me for it...they never told me anything), etc.  My dad got so impatient and just yelled something like, "YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO HELP ME!! FINE!! I'LL DO IT MYSELF."  Somehow pparently I sounded like the asshole.   But hell...I was scared as hell.  YOU DON'T CALL ME THAT MY MOTHER'S IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A SURGERY AND SAY THAT SHE'S MISSING!!!  I literally thought that something went wrong and she's this life-death situation or something.  So I called the hospital, got a million transfers (all I got was a name...where the hell am I supposed to find her?), and finally got to the nurse who's supposed to take care of my mom and found out she's in her room safe and sound since 5pm.  LIKE WHAT THE HELL???  So my dad literally got there, couldn't find my mom in the surgery room, and YELLED AT ME FOR BEING SOME USELESS BASTARD??  The nurse found it quite amusing at the fact that my mom couldn't call my dad to let him know everything's fine because HE FREAKIN' TOOK HER CELLPHONE!!! Let me just say that I'm glad I skipped that class or else I would break down in class....both because of my dad's stupidity and the fear of losing my mother.
2. And by the way, SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE SURGERY YET!! Some miscommunications and we just found out that she just had a biopsy and we're STILL WAITING FOR the surgery.  With my luck, my dad is probably going to yell at me for something stupid again.  Since that department only works on Thursdays, which is my busiest day (I got classes from 10am-8pm), my dad would call me while I'm in class and something like this would happen again.  Hell, with my luck, it would probably be during my presentation.
3. Drum building was a lot of fun today.  I just couldn't believe that I lost my earring.  I called my mother about it because it was like freakin' expensive.  My mother only said something like, "I have enough things to worry about already."  I'm sorry.  Why can't I do something right to at least maker her worry less at times like this?  Why can't I do something to make her happy?  Why do I always do something so stupid and useless like that?
4. I completely failed the Orgo II test.  Three problems on there were like Give-me-free-points questions because she gave us the exact problems to work on before the test, but of course I had to be the stupid one and blanked out on them.  I didn't expect her to put down crazy carohydrates ones either.  I honestly thought that she was going to ask something like simple identification questions like, identify the anomeric carbon and point out its importance in synthesis or something, not like HCl reflux!!
5. On the other hand, I got an 86 on the Quantum test and 85 on the Orgo I test.  These two I didn't study so much and did a lot better than Orgo II...I wonder what did I do wrong for Orgo II
6. I talked to a couple professors about research for next semester.  I picked the one about antibacterial research.  Speaking of that, my dream to go to pharmacy and medical school had resparked again...only that my grades would not get me anywhere...
7. I found out that my third Orgo II exam, Mystique, and Music paper are going on back to back...and my final exam schedule is not looking bright either...Orgo II exam for the afternoon, Music exam for the night (to 10:30), and Quantum test the next day at 7:30am!!!  I wish I can talk to some of them about it...
8. I talked to the Japanese professor and I can take the placement test into 103!!! The only thing is...I haven't even looked at 102 stuff yet.
9. The refund check is supposed to be there last week but for some reason it's not there...I WANT MONEY ALREADY!!!
10. Housing was a pain...what was more of a pain is that I was stupid and messed up the numbers....so now I live a floor above my friends.  Yeah I was stupid.

Life, please start to be better.

I hate housing.

Two of our friends didn't make into the cutoff for housing.  The other girl, who is one of their friends, did not know if she wants to room with us or not.  I didn't feel like going after her to ask about it.  After all, she was the one that didn't want to room with us last year.

So far I've only heard from the not-so-dependent friend
"I guess so.  Who else is she going to room with? She doesn't know anyone else."
"I'm going to get off-campus house with five other people.  She's coming with us too."

So I went and asked three other people.  We kinda agreed on it during lunch tomorrow, but I got a text this morning from a mutual friend that they don't want to room with us anymore.

It's one thing if you're too shadow to contact me yourself.
It's another thing when you contact me the last second.

Yeah they feel bad.  I wouldn't mind because they are NOT obligated to live with us.  I would appreciate it if we had more time to revise a back-up plan.  Save your pretty words and sorry faces later.  I don't need those.




I wonder why I keep walking off and think that someone would come after me.

I really should stop that.  And stop crying for hours afterwards.  And stop hurting myself.  No one is going to pity those tears anyways.  Who am I shedding them for?  I don't even pity myself for doing so.  I need to know that the cut on my heart will never be healed.  Maybe it's a good thing.  I would learn to protect myself from hurting myself more.  Even if I'm all bandaged up, I wouldn't give up.  Just watch me.  Yeah I'm arrogant.  Just because you wouldn't spare those precious times of yours doesn't mean that I should just sit there and let you just cut my skin open like that.  I was hurt.  And thank you for hurting me.  Because I won't let you do it again.

I decided that International Studies minor is a joke because I don't think I would like writing papers between my endless hours in the chem labs.

So I have two options:

Japanese minor vs. Asian Studies concentration

Japanese Minor:
Pros: I like studying Japanese and it's relatively easy for me.
Cons: It's offered only one section per semester so knowing my crazy chemistry schedules, it will probably interfere with my lab times.  I will probably have to take all the 300-level classes as Independent Studies.

Asian Studies Concentration:
Pros: It replaces my wish of Asian studies without taking the political science courses. 
Cons: At least two 300-level history classes...and did I mention that I don't like writing?


So what should I do??? *scratches head*

Spoilers regarding the NANA manga and movie...enter at your own risk ^^

( SPOILER!!! )

I will continue to march forward, even if it costs my life
But I will not have the courage, if you are leaving me behind

I think I've been defeated
Everything's happening lately is pointing to a common goal
In order to be happy, you have to convince yourself to be happy
Whether lying to yourself and people around you or not
Just be happy

Even if it goes to against the most basic principle of my existence
Maybe I'll finally catch up with the flow and learn to hide who I am
So that I can protect myself
So that I can be happy
I wonder if that is really the way to live

I'm going insane...
"it's unfair to me that you do this."
"Sorry it's all my fault."
"No it's not.  Just stop getting upset over small unimportant things."
"Sorry"
"Don't be"

Then what do you want me to do?
Yeah it's unfair to you.  But you didn't care if it hurt me or not.  By saying that If I would just stop getting upset over little things is still telling me that you think I'm the one at fault.  When I said that I'll just do whatever to make you happy, STOP SAYING THAT YOU JUST WANT ME TO BE HAPPY! If you would really care, you wouldn't give me that death sentence.  You wouldn't tell me that you got hurt and tell me that I should've done something to make you happier.  If you would care, you sit there with me instead of bitching at me about how I was being unfair to you.   For the last time, I don't need your pity looks nor your pity comments.

A little part of me just died...

I've never really learned how to deal with people.  Maybe it's just influences from my parents.  They never learned how to deal with each other and I just hate it when people fight and then get mad at each other.  As a kid, I usually just grew quiet when my parents yelled at me for something.  My tears wouldn't stop coming out, but my stubbornness and my pride would keep my mouth shut.  I didn't think I was the one at fault, and I had too much pride to say things because I would be exposing my weakness. 

It just never changed when I got older.  I never knew how to react in a situation and to let people understand how I feel about certain things.  I never bothered nor asked the pity of someone else to even care about how I feel.  Then, of course, I had to be the sensitive one who observes everyone's reaction and takes notes and gets upset when I find out no one is doing the same for me. 

So...my social life lately has been going crazy (as you can read from my previous posts)

I had another huge fight with my boyfriend today.  It started out as any daily trivial things of course.  He had two classes back to back so he's in classes from 12:30pm to 3:30pm.  I offered to bring him lunch in between his classes (1:50pm-2:00pm) because I usually go eat around 1pm and I have a class in the same building as him at 2pm.  He said no because he normally would eat beforehand or wouldn't be hungry or didn't want to bother me or whatever excuses.

Then I found out randomly today, one of my friend who is going to be in his second class, has been bringing him lunch.   I know I know.  Why am I getting upset over this at all?  She's only doing him a favor and she's that nice.  I shouldn't be mad right?  But of course I have to be the sensitive one and be obsessed with one point-->HE DIDN'T LET ME BRING LUNCH FOR HIM BUT HE LETS SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT?  Yeah you can call me jealous.  But I wanted to do it.  And I didn't appreciate it when someone else is doing it, after he STRICTLY TOLD ME NO.  So why can someone else do it but not me?  Do you call this jealousy?  Or merely that I took this as part of my responsibility and my right and my pride couldn't take it the fact that I've been replaced?

I texted him and let him know to wait for me after class because I have tutoring at 3:30pm and I know that I wouldn't concentrate well with things on my mind. He apparently got out of class early at 3pm and his phone was on silent.  I waited out in the cold for him and tried to call him at least 20 times.  At the same time, I was really getting agitated because I felt so stupid standing outside in the cold just because I was afraid that I would miss his call when I walked back into the building (the science complex has very poor receptions due to equipments such as NMR).  I know it was such a stupid idea, but when I get upset I act so spontaneous and I won't give up unless I get it done. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to call someone on his floor to find out where he was.  It turned out that he was hanging out and I finally got on the phone with him.  I broke down at that point.  I don't know if it was because of the cold or the fact that I waited so stupidly or the fact that he never picked up or because of the lunch thing.  He just said something like "Sorry.  My phone's on vibrate."  His tone was so indifferent that I somehow completely lost my patience.  I guess the conversation went back and forth between, "I waited for you but you never showed up" and "my phone is on vibrate".  OF COURSE I KNOW YOUR PHONE IS ON VIBRATE!! Stating the obvious facts only made me feel more stupider for doing what I did.  Stop rubbing into my wound.

So it turned out to be quite an ugly fight.  We talked afterwards and I knew I completely broke down and I know I wasn't making sense at all.  But somehow I think he got it.  Even though he insisted on that I'm just overreacting like always.  Yeah maybe.  But you weren't the one that was out in 20 degrees Celsius hoping that someone would call you back each second that passed. 

I'm not upset with him.  He thinks I am.  I KNOW THAT IT'S NOT HIS FAULT THAT HIS PHONE IS ON VIBRATE.  I just wish that he would put himself in my shoes and understand why I got so upset.  He probably wouldn't react the same way I did (because I do believe that I'm insane), but do understand where my anger came from.  I'm not some stupid unreasonable bitch who is just PMS-ing and messing up your life.

Maybe deep inside I am a romantic and on some level I was touched by those romantic scenes.  Like those the girl would say that she needs help and the guy would just hop on his car and be wherever she is?  I definitely watched way too many cheesy things like that.

Other than this...

Remember that kid that woke me up at 2am in the morning?  My friend apologized and said things like, "Sorry we were kinda high and we didn't mean to wake me up."  Yeah, screaming at my ear for 5 minutes wasn't suppose to wake me up at all.  He's your friend that you're trying to protect and I'm just some random people that you can just "have some fun".  We went to dinner together tonight but she didn't tell me that he's coming along.  I was ignoring him in the first half but then my roommate said to be nice because it would get awkward because we might live together next year.  It would totally go against my principle to do such a thing because I hate to pretend to be happy and hide your anger/sadness away just so people would like you.  I'm not some doll and I'm not going to put up a face just to make everyone else happy.  But I did it.  I really disgusted myself for doing it.  I guess I should really let it drop now.  What am I holding the grudge against anyways?  Because I want him to apologize?  No.  Apologies never worked for me because I always felt like the one at fault.

I've been thinking...because I've been getting upset at people lately...somehow I always feel guilty after being uspet at them.  Like I should forgive them and just forget about it.  But I don't want to be some pushovers that they can just roll around however they want.  I bet you at some point they have "OMG she's mad at us AGAIN" kind of feeling, and it makes me feel really guilty.  But then, why is it my fault that they did something to piss me off?

By the way, I feel better about being waken up by them at 2am in the morning after I found out that she would play ROCKBAND right next to her boyfriend who's trying to finish up a lab that's due 9:30am the next day.  Maybe that's just how she is.  That would be rude to me but I guess that's how she is.  I shouldn't be judgemental.

On the other hand, I have this sense of withdrawal and anti-socialness coming back again.  I have discovered that I can't work with certain people because they either distract me or confuse me.  So I have decided to not work with them.  Unfortunately, that doesn't mean my usual study group would abandon them as well (why did I assume they would anyways?) and that I've been skipping off their meetings on and off.  It turned out to be quite a bad idea.  The last lab confused the hell outta me and I just copied the prelab from someone right before class.  I met with the usual group again to do the lab only to find myself falling behind because I had no idea what they were talking about.  I should've stopped them and asked each step, but then one of them was trying to rush through things and she was getting really agitated already so I didn't bother to ask.  My stupid old stomach problem came back to me and I had to go back to my room to get my medicine...Yeah I broke down after that too.  Thanks for letting me know that your patience is running out and I'm just some stupid bitch that never understands this.

Now...it's about roommate.  She's apparently had a crush on someone and she's been hanging out with him and other friends more frequently now.  I know I shouldn't be upset because she's been there when I have boyfriend problems and she's hanging out with us quite frequently, I just don't want her to think that I have neglected her.  

At the same time, it kinda frustrated me.  She's talked about how another friend also showed some interest in the same guy she likes, but she's still hanging out with her because that's the only way she can see him.  I just don't want her to get hurt seeing how they get along really well and the way they flirt back and forth.  She would come back and complain about how she thinks her friend is trying to get his attention and gets all giggly when she's on the phone with her friend. 

Oh girls.  I never understand the drama of fighting over guys.

And I don't understand how to keep my balance.  I don't want to keep getting upset with friends but at the same time, I want to let them know that I've been hurt.

That was a long entry...I hope you have enjoyed it more than you think I'm insane. :P